I am currently house sitting and while I sit here I think about some of the things that have recently happened to be me. For instance I just came home from a vacation with my family. My brother, his girlfriend and his kids came. My sister and my new niece came as well. All of this has me realizing that I value my family more than ever. I smile more, even when we can annoy each other. I smile because I want these moments we share to last forever. However, I know that reality must always return and we have to go back to work.
I do not return to work until Tuesday. It’s a short week for me but I wonder if things are passing me by. I work, school and family and friends but something else is missing. I see that more lately. To say I’m not lonely is would be a lie. And I value honesty. I am lonely. I wish someone else was with me to share these moments but so far no one has done that. I have dated yes but to actually get to the point of introducing someone to my family, definitely not. I don’t know what it is but I’m not willing to invest in something that I’m not sure is going to work. I’ve had guys date me to get to my friends, to use me to make someone jealous, cheating on me with someone I considered a good friend and worst of all, someone who thought it would be fun to just play with my emotions and make it into some kind of game.
I’ve been burned in the past yes, these are lessons I have learned. Yes it keeps my guarded and maybe a little afraid to make the jump into something but I have a reason to be right? I’m not asking for prince charming, because we all know he doesn’t exist but maybe just someone who can put a smile on my face and want to see it there without any games. I want to feel the same about that person too.
I am content in the way my life is now. I have always been driven to be the best I can be but has that cost me something in return? I’m not sure. I know I have a strong personality, my whole family is built on them but I’m not willing to admit that someone couldn’t put up with me. I have friends that do, close friends that I consider family but is that all? I’m hoping not.
I know people say when the time is right it will happen. But maybe the time passed and I missed it? Did I mess something up that could’ve been? All of these thoughts and questions wonder through my mind when I get a chance to be on my own. Even a long hike through the woods to a small waterfall while camping I had these thoughts, and I wasn’t alone. My mind can drive me crazy sometimes.
And I don’t usually like to share these things aloud. I think it draws attention from the wrong people. And I look at it when others do as a cry of attention in general. That’s not the point of this post. This post is meant for me to put things out into the world. Maybe you wont see it that way. I don’t really care. Sometimes the words just need to be spoken out loud in order to understand the meaning of what is happening around you.
Mostly when this happens, I just need to do some shopping. And I do because my last semester of college starts soon and I need to get some new clothes. I value the “Fresh Start”. I value my family. I value my friends. Most importantly, I value my heart and my life. I hope someone will get to see how important that is too.